Sometimes you see the signs and hear the call but the doubts and fears are so strong you try and ignore them, hanging on longer than you should. So they wait for you, growing louder and more clear until finally it is time.
On May 31st, that time came for me. I was forced into a decision and I had to face my fears, fears of the unknown, fear of losing my security and fear of believing in myself. My fears kept me chained in a place where I wasn’t happy and my worth was compromised. Yet, I felt if I left that situation I would feel lost and failure would be waiting at every turn. I decided to release those chains, to fall and to know that wherever I land is where I’m meant to be. Now there are endless possibilities and my light will shine brighter. I am empowered, trusting and free. Right here in the midst of transformation, being present and ready to share my gifts.
So what was this decision I made? It was a decision to to take care of myself, to choose my well-being and leave my corporate career after 7 1/2 years. I had been working for corporations since I graduated college, 25 years ago. So leaving was terrifying, it was all I knew. Even when I had lost a job in the past, I had a new one 5 days later. However, I was at a breaking point where I knew that my current job was doing damage to me. I had so much anger, resentment and frustration built up inside me and yet I stayed, which of course, I knew that was my choice. I could leave at any time but I didn’t. So what did that say about me? That I had so little belief, trust and self-worth that I would choose to stay and be fearful.
To me this is a perfect example of the Devil card in the Tarot. The Devil is the archetype that represents keeping you oppressed, feeling small and trapt in fear. However, when you look at the people in the card chained to the Devil, you see their chains are loose. They can leave at anytime, it is their choice. They are the ones giving power to these beliefs. This card is a reminder, that you hold the power.
The last 6 years I have spent deeply exploring my spiritual path. Deep down, my intuition, my inner-knowing was screaming to be heard. I am worthy, I do have gifts, I have the power to make this change and I will be supported. To explain what I was feeling “I’m restless. Things are calling me away. My hair is being pulled by the stars again.” – Anais Nin
Finally I couldn’t ignore the “pull” any longer. Taking care of me had to come first and that meant moving to be closer to family. My Mom flew out and her, my 2 dogs and I drove across the country to Asheville, North Carolina. I offered to stay and continue to work my job remotely. This offer, of course, was the fear showing up again, as it will and continues to do. They however, made the decision for me that working remotely would not be an option. I now realize looking back, this is another example of the Divine showing up to support me, although it didn’t seem like it at the time. However, a wise friend pointed out, “Why would you want to bring something that causes you so much pain and misery with you on your new journey?” The answer is, I don’t.
So where does this story end? Well I’m not sure yet. I’m still sitting in the very uncomfortable place for me of not knowing. I have moments when the fear is so strong I just want to give up on the idea of creating my own business of healing and teaching. Then there are moments when I feel like the strong, creative and powerful witch that I am. That is the feeling I want to hang unto longer, that is the belief I have to believe. Sometimes, something comes along and sparks that fire in you and when it does you feel called to share it. Yesterday, I found this book. I believe that when something like a book calls to you from a shelf, it is a message from Divine. It had me at the word witch but then reading it I felt the fire within me burn much stronger. As the book reminded me…
I am some kind of magic.
I am an unstoppable force.
My self-worth shouldn’t feel like an act of bravery.
– Amanda Lovelace
I used to spend a lot of time and energy trying to get rid of fear. Not the necessary fears that keep me safe but the fears I created that held me back. I’ve now come to realize that was a battle I would likely never win. So instead of trying to fight the fear, I acknowledge it and then I face it with courage. I no longer believe in releasing fear because even when I think I have released it, it finds a way to creep back in, maybe in a different form or expression but it comes back. When I face it with courage then I can find a way a through it. I can come out the other side of it with more wisdom and fortitude.
It all sounds so simple and easy written out here but we all know it is much more complicated. However, if we stay in the present, in our awareness then we can show up everyday and do the work. The work to release the chains, choose ourselves and well-being and share our gifts that are so needed.